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Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out