The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
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WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.