I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
You Might Also Like
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.