i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
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her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.