SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
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There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.