IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
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Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.