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As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.