someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
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We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
The first matador