Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
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Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me