Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
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Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
The news in a nutshell.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you