Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
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I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Modded the new Gran Turismo
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..