Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
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[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]