{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
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The hardest thing Vision has to do
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
best review i’ve ever seen
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Woke up against my better judgement again
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough