If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
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Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.