This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
You Might Also Like
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”