zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
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I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
HR said no more nunchucks.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,