Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
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I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.