Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
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Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
😂🤣😂🤣
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now