If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
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I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!