[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
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Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation