You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
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Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.