Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
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[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic