[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
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Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.