YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
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Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
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At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
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I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
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i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
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Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
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me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
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Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
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Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist