If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
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Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.