billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
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Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?