Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
You Might Also Like
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.