Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
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son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
lmao