[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
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*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.