I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
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I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Cndnsd Mlk
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.