[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
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[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
The Joker was right
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
White parent Vs Arab parents
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?