“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
You Might Also Like
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
checking out some reviews of my local library
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah