Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
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This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.