[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
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CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did