MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
You Might Also Like
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.