Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
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The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?