It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
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My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.