No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
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[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
*puts words between two asterisks*
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.