If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
You Might Also Like
*feels the wind in my toe hair
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight