I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
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My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
is this how new cars are made??
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.