I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
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“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not