[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
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Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Its true…
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
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Me: Same.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay