A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
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[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
What kind of a cult is this?
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”