[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
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Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters