friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
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Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house