So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
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mood
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher