Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
You Might Also Like
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard