me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
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Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”