What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
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responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!