Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
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Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table